Ain't No Rest For The Well Dressed

Are you a pajama guy? Or are you one of those who go to bed in exactly what you wore to the gym? For some of you, you catch your Z’s in your birthday suit, and depending on your workout plan, you might have the wrong gym. But, let’s say you do wear jammies— What kind are you wearing? I have yet to see any sartorial sleepwear in the halls of my dormitory. I am, in a way, relieved I am not experiencing any FOMO as I’ve left all of my pajamas suits at home in fear of ridicule from my peers, but mostly the frat lords. But, I contest, why aren’t the frat lords wearing pajama suits?

The way I see it, all collegiate affairs should begin in pajama suits, if not end in them. We must forego the gym wear, the nakedness, and put on some regalia that suggest more than to procreate (yet, I spit on those who think that pajama suits suggest the opposite of reproduction). Pajama suits may not exactly allude to more mini pajama suits, but they do suggest: I want to sleep here… as in, O-V-E-R. Slip not on a banana, but into some negligée and into your sheets.

This Christmas Eve, I received a text from my father that read: Did you want pajamas? Um…would I ever turn down a pajama suit? I have experienced eighteen wonderful, pajama filled holidays. I long for them. I was not aware that my nineteenth, my first year unhoused meant unclothed as well. Everyone should rest seriously. As seriously as they would feel if they lost a year of Christmas Eve pajamas. Recognize the importance of being earnest in your relationship with your sheets and invest in them because good style never sleeps.

How do I take my rest seriously? How do I dress for my sheets, you catechize? I am not campaigning that you sell your third leg to afford a velvet robe a la Hugh Hefner, because your third leg is required to sport such a costume and you should never spend a dollar to get someone in bed. I am urging you to indulge in how you shuteye. Have a fiesta for your siesta. Brooks Brothers has not stopped selling PJ suits. Sleepy Jones can be an avenue for those who enjoy suits with patterns that are not a snooze fest, also providing sleeping boxers and knit tees alike. Shop H&M and J. Crew for sleeping joggers if you are the gym short sleeper reaper. And if you snooze in the nude, any clothing store can provide you with slumberland getup.

I have since received a pajama suit as a birthday gift from a dear friend and quickly forgotten the stigma that I should not wear my suit in fear of swirlies. How high school, I’m in Slumber College now.

Oh, and joke’s on you frat lords, I have never slept better.