If Only We Could Date Our Dogs
I went on a Tinder date last night and surprise, it was a disaster. At every awkward silence, she gushed over Kanye West and how she couldn’t believe she missed his Boston performance. As for my opinion on the controversial rapper...let’s just say the date didn’t last long. Exhausted from another disappointing date, I started thinking maybe I should give up on people all together. Be alone for the rest of my life, surrounded by cats. But this comes with its own issues, one being I’m allergic.
As I contemplated what to do about my love life, my mom sent a picture of my puppy. That’s when it hit me. What if I could I date my dog? If I just take other people out of the equation then the problems would be erased, wouldn’t they?
The Spontaneous One: We all know that little doggies are always filled with energy and within the first few weeks of “dating” they’ll sweep you off your feet. Your Chihuahua or Shih Tzu will take you on the most adventurous walks you will ever be on, constantly changing direction and pulling ahead. As the weeks pass, you may even think to yourself that this is the kind of dog you’ve always wanted. But as the months go by, you might start to realize this pup has no off switch. They’re always on the go and never seem to stop so you can just Netflix and chill. And as the binge watching netflixer you are, you feel like you have to say goodbye. Before letting the spontaneous little pup of your dreams go, you decide to give him one last chance. Unfortunately, she/he can’t even get through the episode without having to go outside and pee every 5 minutes. You officially end it because, let's be honest, at the end of the day sometimes you just want someone who will eat an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's with you while watching the entire season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, no questions asked. I know I do.
The Clinger: This dog is beyond loyal. Have you ever seen a golden retriever with their owner? They never leave their side and if the owner ever leaves this dog at home he/she will sit and wait right by the door halting their whole day until their owner returns. Your relationship with a golden would be just like this. You walk down the street and they’ll be on your heels. You turn a corner and there they are. So, if you’re feeling a little lonely, this pup is a perfect cure, always down for a good ole’ stay-at-home-cuddle-and-order-Chinese-food kind of night. However, after the initial loneliness you felt while single, this dog’s constant presence can be a bit overwhelming. You go out for a girl’s night and he/she is waiting by the door for your return, not quite comprehending what “me” time is. In other words, he/she becomes a clinger. Barking at you if you leave him/her in a room for longer than 5 minutes, even if it’s only a trip to the restroom. By the end of this puppy relationship you’ll long for a day when you don’t have to hide out in your closet for some peace and quiet.
The Athlete: If you are the workout kind of gal then this pup is the one for you. Athletic dogs like boxers need a crazy amount of walking per day to stay in shape, similar to one of those gym rats that likes to spend at least an hour and a half in the gym every day to keep up their muscle definition. This will be great at first if you feel like you need new motivation to exercise, but be wary that every date may turn itself into a workout— whether it’s another hike, yoga in the dog park at sunset, a run on the beach, or a trip to the gym when you’re both out of date ideas. For some people who aren’t avid gym goers this may get tiring. You might want to just drive somewhere or go to the movies. If you aren’t up for the constant stream of strenuous activities, this is definitely not the pup for you. But why not try him out? He is so gosh darn cute and plus he/she has abs…or I guess in the doggy world, calves?
The Misunderstood Rebel: There is a time in every woman’s and man’s life where they date the rebel, and in the dog world there is no better breed to fulfill this role than the pitbull. These pups have a hard exterior that makes people think they won’t let anyone in. Until one day you guys walk hand in hand and he seems to understand you instantly. You realize he’s actually the sweetest pup you’ve ever met. He cuddles with you, shows up at your apartment/dorm with ice cream in hand, and to top it all off, he’ll snuggle and watch hours of Gossip Girl with you even though he knows you’ve already gone through the season twice. These pups have a bad reputation because of how people have treated them, putting them into dog fights and subjecting them to other abuse. This past has left them with major emotional scars that asks the owner to be patient enough to allow enough time for the trust to build between them. Once this trust is built, you and your pup will have an undeniable connection. To be with this kind of dog you have to be serious, ready for the time it’ll take for your pup to open up, and aware that some scars aren’t an easy fix.
The Cougar: To many, the sophistication of an older woman or man can be alluring. This is no different with dogs. Older dogs are already potty trained, know exactly what to do during “play time”, and will gladly take naps with you. Basically, all the hard work has been done in the doggies’ previous relationships. However, as you go on you realize that there are some downsides to this older pup. They always scatter food all over the floor when they eat and no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to get them to keep the food in the bowl. But that’s the price you have to pay with older dogs, they’re going to be set in their ways.
After contemplating the different kinds of pups out there, I realized I needed a little mix of everything. A bit spontaneous, a bit of a snuggler, slightly mysterious, and a whole lot of sophistication. Now, a girl can’t have everything she wants, so I ended up with a cute 7-year-old Chihuahua mix from the pound who yes, does take me on crazy walks through the streets of Boston, but luckily, being a little older he gets tired before we go too far.
And after a couple weeks I ended up downloading Tinder again because even though dogs are great and all, I started to miss the swiping. And we’re all swiping addicts, aren’t we? This time around though, I’ll be sure to put NO KANYE LOVERS at the top of my bio.
Photo by: Tarik Thompson